still i miss

still i see myself pushed in the balcony of the past where i was something, for me and a bit for you. You cherished my way of life, and enlighten the way i used to nurture myself. A bitter truth inside me lies which threatens me from the miserable upcoming days. you left me there in the darkness of your absence. i waited a lot then tried to move. but before i could i realized some feeling for you were taking place in my heart. which were compelling me to keep myself silent and away from the thinking of blaspheming you. please come back and tell me a reason why did you leave me?
was i a intruder in your heart?
was i the someone who you didn't like?
was i the anonymous for you?
or something else...
-(c) Kamal Paneru

a walk of silence

really it is amazing pain when silence speaks...
a road which goes to nowhere
a tear which awaits to be fall down
a memory which is about to be remembered
a word which is unspoken
a heart which doesn't beat anymore
a smile which has been lost
a joy which is reverie
a touch which is not touchy
a smell which is not lingering anymore
and a glace which is forgotten.
- (c) Kamal Paneru

Why Should I Love You...??? by Kamal Paneru

lets go through the why of love...
let your mind blow and heart sink in the deep ocean of love...
and let you partner know what happens when asks questions...

WHY SHOULD I LOVE YOU (NOVEL)

an unforeseen and unforgettable love story by Kamal Paneru
are you ready to answer the why of love???

ilzam

ilzam dena to fitrat h unki
hmare hatho me gulab dekh kr bole
kaante lane k liye shukriya...

kuch lamhe zindagi ke

Ek tuta hua chaand, ek thami hui barish

Ek chhoti si aas, ek dabi hui sajish

kuch gulaab khile hue aur do hoth sile hue

kuch andaj juda sa, aur do dil mile hue

kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

do aankhein hairan si, kuch khwahisein pareshan si

kuch silwatein juban si, kuch shaklein anjaan si

kuch sath chhoote se, kuch riste toote se

kuch parose hue khwab jhuthe se, kuch apne roothe se

kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

thoda masum si hasi, thoda sehmi hui baatein

thoda gir jane k chahat, thoda fislti hui raatein

kuch ehsaan dabe se, kuch armaan jage se

kuch tuti hui neendein, kuch shamshan lute se

kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

-(c) Kamal Paneru

in the lap of silence

“Kamal, Place your hand over me, I want you to heal me”. I still remember her words. In that evening I saw her for very last time. Some two years ago when we met first time, she was shivering with the cold. And a thread of sneeze was overwhelming her to be squeezed. Completely wet with the demon rain drops she was heading to nowhere on the footpath. Thunderstorm had made the silence in the road. Her suit was flat to her body and she was trying to cover her head with the dupatta.  I was driving my Innova and illuminating the impression of that rainy season. I saw a girl, an alone girl was moving on the footpath and her feet were trembling. Its men’s tendency they do not leave a girl, especially when she is alone. I slowed down and turned my car lil bit to her 

“She needs help, I must drop her”. I said to myself. I was not intended to get her; I just turned on my coin of helping nature. I stopped my car some 15 feet ahead of her and by peeping from the left hand side door of my car as I opened my lips to speak something, her beauty dazzled me. How beautiful how elegant she was. But on keeping it aside I asked her to come with me. She denied and everybody knows why. But when I said her “you will be sick, strangers are better than known, so trust me atleast once, I’ll drop you where you want, you won’t get any rickshaw or auto to be with” she agreed with a thanks on her lips. As she entered in the car, she made entire seat wet with her cloths. Her home was some one kilometer away from there. Actually not her home, she used to live there on rent. She was from Indore. Such a nice combination she was from Indore and I from Indrapuram of Delhi but both were working in Ahmadabad. She shifted here few days ago. I dropped her at her home. She requested me to have a cup of tea and I couldn’t deny the request of such adorable girl.

“What do you do? Study or job?” I asked.

“job”. She replied precisely.

Where?

“Some 2km away from here, at Jaanvi software Pvt Ltd.”

“Really?” I asked though I was not ready to believe that those sweetest lips of the world can lie. It was my company. I was the owner of Jaanvi Software Pvt Ltd. I had incepted it some two years ago in the remembrance of my love. It was a small company but continuously growing.

“Hmmm, what do you do?” I wanted to tell her the truth but I didn’t. I do job in a small company. I changed the topic. She had joined us few days ago and then I came to knew who my company workers used to talk about. Really she was amazing. On that day I regretted why I don’t take interviews why have I opted HR and other members to scrutinize the talent of knowledge and beauty. We became friend and exchanged our numbers. In further days we talked a lot, and gradually she fell in love with me without knowing me much. And I was much dedicated to my ex lover who was almost a wife for me. When she proposed me I denied by saying I have no feeling for you. Though I liked much but it was unfeasible for me to fall in love again. She cried in front of me a lot and said those words I have written in the starting. I was fortunate that somebody loved me without knowing my possession. But I was the man of words. She left me there that day when I told her I love someone else. She couldn’t know that I was the owner of the company, and generally it happens a normal employee can’t see the owner of the company. On the very next week I came to know she had left the company and had left the footprints of her heart in my mind and most probably somewhere in my heart. After one month I started to miss her. I phoned her, that was switch off, I went to her room, she had left that before. I checked the mail id of that girl from the docs records of employers. I mailed her but after the very first very first mail she blocked my there. It has been two years, I have never seen such elegant such kind such beautiful girl as she was. She was the name of charming person she was the meaning of adorable and she was more than that what I can’t explain in words. But I miss her; I feel I have lost something. Actually that was not something, she was more than that. I think everything after my first love. Yesterday she replied me on mail, and today I am going to meet her and say her that “dear let me wake up from the lap of silence because I love you. Squeeze me with you lingering love.”

-         ©Kamal Paneru

a must read this unforgettable love story. if you dare to love someone, then are you ready to go through the why of love???

In the race of final year in Engineering

In the whole life “they” dissuaded me to leave my friends. But as I started my final year, things changed like weather. My neighbor used to slap me with the same placement question in every morning. Then don’t know how and why I found myself caught in the darkness filled hands of purging lips. The lips which do not say anything but make me speechless. The hands which do not grab my throat but make me breathless. And the eyes which do not look at me but kill brutally. So to conquer this anxiety I learnt the second part of life, where I fought with “myself”. No nono… not with “myself”, I fought for “myself”.I started to avoid my claque to dissemble.Don’t know why I accepted the friendship of loneliness and those rubbish book which I always hated. I wanted to elude because I really couldn’t fathom what books were talking about.I pretended to feel awesome in that pestered at the all midnights locked inside my room A-115 of 120 hostel. Though I was not happy but I had to lose to gain something. That something was only in my mind, never set on my words. I didn’t know the gain but I lost in a hope that someday something special would be mine. Only mine. My journey of achieving unforeseen had been started. I learnt to crush the dreams of others to make mine true. Though I was going through plights but learnt to lie my parents “yes I am happy”. I learnt to give up pageants. I learnt to say my words to my consort loneliness and those abhorrent books. I wanted to abscond but didn’t know, from where to where. Thousands of times I cried to myself behind the door of room A-115. And hundreds of times I pacified myself by saying it is last. My soggy cheeks and xeric tears were not in the mood of cheerio. I still remember my 3^rd year’s days when I used to see the journey of the moon at night. It would start from the right above my hostel and just before the dawn it ended in the boulevard of Devprayag hills. But in the final year up to the four months I didn’t see the night and sprinkling moon light. My love left me, my few closest friends left me my happiness left me then one day my phone rang with an unknown no.

“Hello”. I said.

“Are you Kamal Paneru?” voice came from other end. Then we talked for 9 minutes 56 seconds. I still remember his last line.

“Okay Mr. Kamal, you are placed now. You can join us just after your graduation.” His last word caressed me.

Then I came to know that was the moment I was waiting for. And I enjoyed hosanna. Really it was mine. Only mine. My race had been finished. I won it. I won myself. But I lost more than that. I lost my love, my friends, my trusts, my originality, my moon, my nights and most especial thing the life of those four months of final year. I had no one to share the feelings of that moment. I regretted a lot and after that day I cry night after night after night. I do fight with my loneliness to leave me but it asks myself “to whom I should leave you, once you left them now they left you. Tit for tat”. I can’t bring those days back, but I am still carrying a hope that one day I would see the cessation and they will come back. Now my neighbors have folded their lips. And I want to be out from those horror nights but every time I feel abdicated.

“main jeet ke bhi haar gya. Jeeta kisse main ye bhi nahi janta, hara kisse ye bhi nahi”

Na pucho mera haal ki main tanha kitna hu

Samet to gaagar, baha do to saagar jitna hu.

-          © Kamal Paneru