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Monday, January 19, 2015

a terrifying night

It was December 12th 2012. In my country, 12th of December is a public holiday so we were all home. We decided to go for a drive around town. My mum decided that she should visit her friend with whom she worked with. That’s where I met her; she was 15 years old (not exactly because her 15th birthday was in two weeks). By then I was 17. Our mothers introduced us and then my mum joked that I may have found a wife. Her name was Rachel. We spent that day getting to know each other. She was really shy and conservative. She didn’t talk much. At the end of the day, I asked for her number which she reluctantly gave to me. After leaving, I kept thinking of her.

I texted her and we chatted all night long. We seemed to like each other. We met for the second time on 29th December the same year as it was her birthday. After the party, I told her that I really liked her. She told me that she liked me too. I was so privileged to have been the first boy she had liked. We spent a lot of time together especially during the weekends. I was starting to have some strong feelings for her. Some months later, I mastered enough courage to tell her that I was in love with her. She just hugged me without saying anything. When I took her back to her house that evening, she told me that she loved me too. We then had our first kiss. It was just amazing, the way she blushed after the kiss made me love her even more. I then officially asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed.

I always imagined a life together if we ever got married in future. Sometimes her parents would leave her to babysit her younger brothers for the weekend and I would join her. When they were asleep I would hold her until she fell asleep. I would then carry her to her bedroom then go back to sleep in the living room. One time I decided to stay in bed with her. The next morning she was really angry at me as she considered that immoral although nothing happened. I apologized and she forgave me. Our relationship was just the best and we were so happy together.

In November 2013, I finished high school. Rachel was one year behind me. During the December holiday, she came to stay over at our house. Mostly we would be alone in the house because my siblings were already married and living in their own houses. My mum was working on a project out of town…and I don’t have a dad. Rachel and I would sleep in the same bed (she got used to the idea and seemed to like it because she loved to cuddle).

On 12th December 2013 Exactly a year after we met, I took her to a house party my friends were having. She didn’t like it and suggested that we go back home. She didn’t even want to take anything as she had read an article where cakes and cookies are baked with marijuana. I said goodbye to my friends and we went back home. We got home at around 11pm and went directly to bed. I wasn’t feeling like myself that night(I later found out that the snacks had been spiked with a drug called Ecstasy). When we went to bed, I asked her to get intimate with me. Like expected, she was really annoyed. I was so irritable. I locked the door and wrestled her to the floor. I took advantage of her and I remember her screaming and crying. She kept pinching, kicking and slapping me and it was like I could not feel the pain. That’s all I remember from that night.

The next day I woke up at almost 1pm. Rachel was in a corner in my room and she was just crying and shaking. I got out of bed and went towards her. She started screaming and telling me not to hurt her anymore. I could see blood on the floor. I was embarrassed to look at her as she was naked. I was only wearing a t shirt. I swear I couldn’t remember what had happened the previous night. I sat on my bed and just started crying when i realized what I had done to my Rachel. Her best friend came and took Rachel home as she couldn’t talk or walk. She also couldn’t let me get near her. I just stayed in my room crying. I tried calling her, texting her but she never replied.

It wasn’t until Christmas she texted me that she had missed her periods. I remember every word of that text; “I didn’t get my period this month. Nitafanya nini???(What will I do???). I don’t want to be a teenage mother!!” She had not told anyone except her best friend about what had happened between us. I asked her if we could meet and talk about it but she didn’t want to see me. I texted her every day though she never replied. I apologized, told her that I love her, I miss her but she never said anything. I decided to go to their house. I found her whole family there. Since they didn’t know what happened they welcomed me as usual. Her mother had noticed that she spent a lot of time in her room but assumed that it was because she was studying for exams. One of her brothers went to call her. When she saw me, she ran back to her room crying. Her mother went to check up on her then she came back and told me to leave as Rachel didn’t want to see me. I wanted to tell Rachel’s mum what had happened but I couldn’t get the strength to tell her. I just went back home so disappointed.

On 6th January 2014, Rachel went back to school. She was brought back home on 18th January because she had unusually painful menstrual cramps. When her mum told me, I went to their house. She was lying on the couch holding her abdomen and crying. Her father arrived with some painkillers and after she took them, she fell asleep. I stayed with her and watched her sleeping. At least I was glad she didn’t get pregnant. After a while, she woke up. She told me that she had some pains on the left side of the body. I carried her back to the living room where her parents and siblings were. When I put her down, she fainted. She was also bleeding and I assumed it was what happens when girls have their periods.

Her mother panicked and we immediately took her to the hospital (she was still unconscious). The nurses did first aid on her and she regained consciousness. The doctor told her mother that Rachel wasn’t having her periods. She had a tubal pregnancy, whereby the baby had implanted on her left fallopian tube. Her mother came to me and started slapping me her father tried to control her because the other patients were looking at us. (Rachel had been admitted and was in the ward).She yelled at me that I had made her daughter pregnant. Her father fiercely told me to leave. I went back home where I found my mother and siblings.

My mother was extremely angry because Rachel's mum had already told her what had happened. She asked me to explain what had happened. When I started telling her about the party, she didn’t even let me finish. She just started hitting me. I know I deserved it but it was really embarrassing to be 18 years old and be beaten up in front of my nieces and nephews. I just ran up to my room and cried, not because of the pain from my mum’s beating but because of the pain I had caused to my Rachel. I prayed for God to save her as I couldn’t bear losing her. The next day I went to see her at the hospital. When she saw me, she started crying. She told me that I had ruined her life. I couldn’t bear to see her in so much pain.

The doctor came to check up on her. He explained to me that one of the causes of tubal pregnancies is abdominal surgery and Rachel had one a few years earlier. After the doctor left, I knelt and asked for her to forgive me. A surgery to remove the baby was scheduled for that afternoon. Rachel was against that as she saw it as abortion. She told me that if I wanted her to forgive me, I had to help her leave the hospital. I really wanted her to forgive me but I couldn’t risk getting her out of the hospital because she could die. She looked at me with those eyes, the ones I could never say no to. I just followed the wish of my princess.

I helped her change into some casual clothes. It was still hard for her to walk but I couldn’t carry her to prevent suspicion from the people who were around the hospital. We took a taxi to my friend’s home because Rachel’s mum would immediately come to our house when she noticed Rachel was not in the hospital. Shortly after we got there, she started bleeding. She was complaining of the abdominal pains. I panicked and started crying with her. I held her tightly as she moved around in the bed. My friend went to call an ambulance. Rachel immediately stopped moving and calmed down. I thought she was asleep. I left her to sleep.

An ambulance arrived 30 minutes later. The paramedics went to pick her from the bed, she was lying in a lot of blood. I heard one of them say, “It’s too late, she has no vital signs.” I just screamed and ran outside. It was like living a nightmare. I watched them take her lifeless body on the stretcher. The ambulance left. I didn’t have the strength to do anything more than to sit on the ground and watch the ambulance leave. It was my fault. That single night had caused so much pain to so many people. Her funeral was a week later at her grandparents’ home. I went and I had to stand the glares of the angry relatives.

Her mother couldn’t bear seeing me but she didn’t want to cause a scandal at the funeral. Because of me, she had lost her firstborn child and her only daughter. An ambitious girl who had always dreamed of being a doctor. Her family has lived to hate me. After the burial, I remained looking at the tombstone which was written, “Our dear Rachel, though you left us too soon, you always brought us joy. You will remain alive in our hearts.” I know for me she lives on and I won’t live enough to apologize for the pain I caused her. Rest In Peace my Angel. (The love of my life Rachel 29th December 1997 to 22nd January 2014). I always remember her with a smile and tears well up my eyes. She didnt deserve me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015


aurat maa hoti hai behen hoti hai
beti hoti hai dost hoti hai
aur jab wo kuch nhi hoti to wo ek
tawayaf hoti hai....

a must watch
<a href="">see the life</a>

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

when something is meaningful

There was a Boy ‘n a Girl, They were best friends for years ‘n years, They could Talk for hours on the Phone ‘n text each other for days, When They were Together; Not a single Sad Thought could cross their Minds, :) everything was Great, But One Day; The Boy did not Answer any Call or Reply to any Text for a Day, The Girl was worried that something was Wrong..:( at night She couldn’t Sleep.., She was sitting in her Room Crying, ‘n It was then that She Realized how much He Means to Her..? :( The next Morning; She woke Up from a Phone call.., It was the Boy..:)
Boy : Hey..,
Girl : Im so glad that you Called Me, What happened to you yesterday ??
Boy : I was Busy [ The GIRL Understood that; Something was Wrong but could not Ask] [silence]
Boy : You know..; We should Stop talking..!
Girl: What??.., But Why ?? :(
Boy: I am Sorry, Bye..! :( [He Disconnected the call, ‘n She Felt as If Somebody had Slammed the door on Her face] Everything else Flashed in Her Mind, Tears :’( Cars running by Her.. Roof of some building..’n Sunset.. She couldn’t understand anything.. She started Feeling Lonely, Dejected, ‘n broken..:’( That was the answer to everything! His words were pouncing on her.. Her heart wanted to jump out! He was the One..! “Why..??” She Screamed at the Top of her Voice; Then She made up Her Mind to make a last Try to get Him Back..! [She called Him Up] Girl: hi…
Boy: Why are you calling Me?
Girl: I need to tell you Something..
Boy: Go Ahead.
Girl: I Just Wanted You to know one thing before we stopped talking!
Boy: Tell me..!
Girl: Are you All right? [She broke off..! She tried but may be he doesn’t really Care about Her, She Thought! She wasn’t His friend in the first Place… Tears were slowly running Worst :'( She left the House with a Note..!

[5 hours later]

Phone Rang in the Boy’s Room, It was the Girl’s Mum, The girl was lying in the hospital, Got hit by a Car, :’( The Boy rushed to the Hospital where She was. She Opened Her Eyes with the Boy’s name.., He took her Hand..
Boy: Im so Sorry Its all my fault..! But; I promise when U get better I’ll make It up to You..:(
Girl: I wont get Better..
Boy: No..! No Don’t say that..:(
Girl: just tell me one thing Why did you do it? Boy told her that He had a Heart problem ‘n he did not want her to be worried; ‘n there was a risk that he could have Died..!
Boy: I did that because I…..I…..I Love you..?
Girl : I LOVE YOU TOO..? ‘n After That her heart Stopped Beating…:O
She Died..! :’( The Boy died 10 mins later from a Heart Attack..:’( He could not live with the thought that; She died Because of Him.. :’(

Friday, January 2, 2015

happiness... a figment

i do miss the presence of mine in my soul
just dealing with the nonsense of storm running in my head
- (c) Kamal Paneru