silence

Silence doesn't always mean "yes". sometimes it means, I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand.

Cover Page: Why Should I Love You by Kamal Paneru

kuch adbhut

and i love..

hum-tum

.

bus yu hi tera sath ho...

main rahu akela magar teri baat ho

jheel kinare baithu jab to saya tera nazar aaye

pani me bikhre mere jazbat ho

kuch main kahu apne labo se

kuch aankho se kahi teri baat ho

main simat'ta chala jaau teri baajuo me

kbhi na khatm ho, aisi koi raat ho

bus yu tera sath ho

machal jaye dunia jab tere deedar ko

tera aksh meri aankho k paas ho.

kuch kasam de mujhe apne pyar ki

ishq me barbad ho jau magar wajud aabaad ho

main pighlta rahu teri muhabbat me toot kar

jo mujhe thame wo tera hath ho.

-(c) Kamal Paneru

kuch to hua hoga...

koi khat likha to hoga.

tune mere bare me kisi se kaha to hoga

pehchan teri aankho me meri anjaan hi rhi

tune akele me mera naam kbhi kaha to hoga

hui badnaami teri aaj mere naam k sath

tune khamosh labo se sb saha to hoga...

kaise ruksat karu tujhe main apne dil se

tune saanso ko mera paigaam kaha to hoga

din bhar tapti dhoop, aur fir raat amaawas ki

teri aankho me, yado ka kankar rha to hoga

beshaq naa maan aaj mujhe tu apna

kbhi tera bhi samundar mere liye baha to hoga...

-(c)Kamal Paneru

ek zindgi udhaar ki

kuch udhaar ki zindgi wo jiya krta tha...

kuch aansu the aankho me, unhe piya krta tha

hairan the sb, use rota dekh kr

jo hr pal ko itminaan se jiya krta tha

aaj baith k pehlu me uske, jajbato ko samjha

jo kabhi pyar bhi jee-jaan se kiya krta tha...

khamos sa afsana reh gya darmiyaan ab

kbhi khuda ko bhi hairan kia krta tha

haal bayaan kr rhi thi uske hotho ki zard dhoop

kaise wo apne jakhm siya krta tha...

muqaddar bhi rooth baitha us maasum dil se

jo khud ko sbke liye pighla dia krta tha...

-(c)Kamal Paneru

ek judai

tujhse door reh kar ye khud ko saja di maine

teri chahat me dunia bhula di maine

tera asks jab jab aankho me aaya

aankho se ek nadi baha di maine

tu krta rha sitam gairo ki baho me reh kr

phle dil se fir dunia se ye bat chhupa li maine

tera wajood b na rha ab muntzir

aankho se bas teri tasveer bna li maine

wo brahmin padh gya k tu kismat me nhi h

usi roj hatho se apne har lakeer mita li maine

tujhse milne ki jab jab aag lagi dil me

aansuo se wo aag bujha li maine

ek muddat hui tune palat kr nhi dekha mujhko

aaj apni hasti dunia se hata li maine

-(c) Kamal Paneru

aakhir ye hai kya

har baat chhupate ho, doori darmiyaan me hai kya

muh fer kar chup rhe, chaale padh gye jubaan me kya

mera lehza hi teekha h, nukhs hai kuch mere bayaan me kya

4 din ki wehsat dikhi tmhe, saadgi nahi is "kamal" nadaan me kya

kuch pal hain, sath guzaar lo, fir milne aaoge hme shamshan me kya?

hmari kismat hi adhuri, itna btao khot hai us bhagwan me kya?

-(c) Kamal Paneru

mardaangi

mardaangi is not only about to satisfy her, but also about to make her feel secure when you are with him in the crowd of penetrating eyes...
(c)- Kamal Paneru

and a why

let me grow, let me fly away
i have wings, let me try a way
do i need an awe-full sound?
do i need to be bound?
no... i don't
why don't you tell me the truth
why cant you give me a place
is this the only world to play?
no... i won't
let me touch the depth of my imagination
let me make a world with my creation
why do you push me in the hell
don't i talk to you very well?
why are you afraid of?
why destiny is hitting me?
is this because, i am girl???
- (c) Kamal Paneru

And The Last Day

“Would you me now?” I asked.

“Yes…I don’t want but I have to." She replied. I noticed her eyes had ended the tears and the kohl had disrupted the existence of her beauty. My eyes were wetbut I controlled my emotion and again drowned me in a silent sobbing.

“What’s my fault?” I asked.

“Nothing…but its over now.”

“Tell me at least once.” I regretted again and again. I was crying for myself. I was asking her to be back in my life again. But I forgot relations are not made by words. These are the purest form of two hearts feeling the same. Once she found congenial company with me but now without any broken word she was pushing me out from the empyrean of her love. I was missing her canoodle. I was missing her gentle touch. I was about to lose all things in front of my eyes. Like we can’t hold sand in our fist same thing we can’t hold relation by tears when other one is ignoring the meaning hidden behind these worthless water drops.

“I don’t love you anymore”. She replied and broke down in tear again.

“Why…???” I asked and hugged her tightly. She lay her head over my chest and shed tears alot. I just felt how much I hurt her. I know it hurts when she says “ I don’t love you” but it hurts too much when she says “now I don’t love you anymore”. This anymore bears much and more than that. She didn’t reply and just cried. I rubbed her back and made her feel warm with my care.

"In our relation your love was like a melting ice piece, which was there but continuously losing its existence. I know how much I missed you when I lost my entire family in that catastrophe. I told you the tragedy at that time and you disconnected the phone by saying I’m in meeting. Can you imagine how much it hurts? really you can’t. You really don’t know the meaning of wait. I used to wait whole day just to spend few moments with you in the evening. But you always disenchanted me and came tardy. Have you ever realized how many nights Ihave spent without taking meal? No… you don’t know. Because I was running for you and you were running for money. Dear, I know money brings happiness, but you couldn’t distinguish difference between love and money. Love is not money.You can procure anything with your money even relation too. But you can’t buy feeling with it.” She said and I realized what I got what I lost. I lost my happiness. I was working to get happiness but she was my happiness. Her phone rang. It was her uncle asking her to be at home. I wanted to say her sorry. But as they say sorry works when mistake is made but it doesn’t when trust is broken. Once I promised her I will be with you in any situation and how silly I was. I couldn’t give her proper time when she lost her family. I had broken the trust and I was solely responsible to bear that peril.

“Okay…I’m leaving. I won’t meet you now onward but…” she stopped her lips.

“but…”

“But I cant forget you… you were my only love… still I love you but things have been changed. Feelings have been changed and I too.”

“Bye” she said.

“bye…I wish you back in my life”

“Hmmm…but now not possible. Take care” she said and left. Her last adios was touching, to me, to her and to our relation. Tonight I didn’t take my dinner. Its 1:00am but I am not hungry. I am just realizing her spent time, when I ended my dinner in luxurious hotels and she waited for me to have dinner together. I am the only offender and couldn’t get better castigation then this.But still I am missing her from the bottom of my heart.

-        © Kamal Paneru

still i miss

still i see myself pushed in the balcony of the past where i was something, for me and a bit for you. You cherished my way of life, and enlighten the way i used to nurture myself. A bitter truth inside me lies which threatens me from the miserable upcoming days. you left me there in the darkness of your absence. i waited a lot then tried to move. but before i could i realized some feeling for you were taking place in my heart. which were compelling me to keep myself silent and away from the thinking of blaspheming you. please come back and tell me a reason why did you leave me?
was i a intruder in your heart?
was i the someone who you didn't like?
was i the anonymous for you?
or something else...
-(c) Kamal Paneru

a walk of silence

really it is amazing pain when silence speaks...
a road which goes to nowhere
a tear which awaits to be fall down
a memory which is about to be remembered
a word which is unspoken
a heart which doesn't beat anymore
a smile which has been lost
a joy which is reverie
a touch which is not touchy
a smell which is not lingering anymore
and a glace which is forgotten.
- (c) Kamal Paneru

Why Should I Love You...??? by Kamal Paneru

lets go through the why of love...
let your mind blow and heart sink in the deep ocean of love...
and let you partner know what happens when asks questions...

WHY SHOULD I LOVE YOU (NOVEL)

an unforeseen and unforgettable love story by Kamal Paneru
are you ready to answer the why of love???

ilzam

ilzam dena to fitrat h unki
hmare hatho me gulab dekh kr bole
kaante lane k liye shukriya...

kuch lamhe zindagi ke

Ek tuta hua chaand, ek thami hui barish

Ek chhoti si aas, ek dabi hui sajish

kuch gulaab khile hue aur do hoth sile hue

kuch andaj juda sa, aur do dil mile hue

kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

do aankhein hairan si, kuch khwahisein pareshan si

kuch silwatein juban si, kuch shaklein anjaan si

kuch sath chhoote se, kuch riste toote se

kuch parose hue khwab jhuthe se, kuch apne roothe se

kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

thoda masum si hasi, thoda sehmi hui baatein

thoda gir jane k chahat, thoda fislti hui raatein

kuch ehsaan dabe se, kuch armaan jage se

kuch tuti hui neendein, kuch shamshan lute se

kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

-(c) Kamal Paneru

in the lap of silence

“Kamal, Place your hand over me, I want you to heal me”. I still remember her words. In that evening I saw her for very last time. Some two years ago when we met first time, she was shivering with the cold. And a thread of sneeze was overwhelming her to be squeezed. Completely wet with the demon rain drops she was heading to nowhere on the footpath. Thunderstorm had made the silence in the road. Her suit was flat to her body and she was trying to cover her head with the dupatta.  I was driving my Innova and illuminating the impression of that rainy season. I saw a girl, an alone girl was moving on the footpath and her feet were trembling. Its men’s tendency they do not leave a girl, especially when she is alone. I slowed down and turned my car lil bit to her 

“She needs help, I must drop her”. I said to myself. I was not intended to get her; I just turned on my coin of helping nature. I stopped my car some 15 feet ahead of her and by peeping from the left hand side door of my car as I opened my lips to speak something, her beauty dazzled me. How beautiful how elegant she was. But on keeping it aside I asked her to come with me. She denied and everybody knows why. But when I said her “you will be sick, strangers are better than known, so trust me atleast once, I’ll drop you where you want, you won’t get any rickshaw or auto to be with” she agreed with a thanks on her lips. As she entered in the car, she made entire seat wet with her cloths. Her home was some one kilometer away from there. Actually not her home, she used to live there on rent. She was from Indore. Such a nice combination she was from Indore and I from Indrapuram of Delhi but both were working in Ahmadabad. She shifted here few days ago. I dropped her at her home. She requested me to have a cup of tea and I couldn’t deny the request of such adorable girl.

“What do you do? Study or job?” I asked.

“job”. She replied precisely.

Where?

“Some 2km away from here, at Jaanvi software Pvt Ltd.”

“Really?” I asked though I was not ready to believe that those sweetest lips of the world can lie. It was my company. I was the owner of Jaanvi Software Pvt Ltd. I had incepted it some two years ago in the remembrance of my love. It was a small company but continuously growing.

“Hmmm, what do you do?” I wanted to tell her the truth but I didn’t. I do job in a small company. I changed the topic. She had joined us few days ago and then I came to knew who my company workers used to talk about. Really she was amazing. On that day I regretted why I don’t take interviews why have I opted HR and other members to scrutinize the talent of knowledge and beauty. We became friend and exchanged our numbers. In further days we talked a lot, and gradually she fell in love with me without knowing me much. And I was much dedicated to my ex lover who was almost a wife for me. When she proposed me I denied by saying I have no feeling for you. Though I liked much but it was unfeasible for me to fall in love again. She cried in front of me a lot and said those words I have written in the starting. I was fortunate that somebody loved me without knowing my possession. But I was the man of words. She left me there that day when I told her I love someone else. She couldn’t know that I was the owner of the company, and generally it happens a normal employee can’t see the owner of the company. On the very next week I came to know she had left the company and had left the footprints of her heart in my mind and most probably somewhere in my heart. After one month I started to miss her. I phoned her, that was switch off, I went to her room, she had left that before. I checked the mail id of that girl from the docs records of employers. I mailed her but after the very first very first mail she blocked my there. It has been two years, I have never seen such elegant such kind such beautiful girl as she was. She was the name of charming person she was the meaning of adorable and she was more than that what I can’t explain in words. But I miss her; I feel I have lost something. Actually that was not something, she was more than that. I think everything after my first love. Yesterday she replied me on mail, and today I am going to meet her and say her that “dear let me wake up from the lap of silence because I love you. Squeeze me with you lingering love.”

-         ©Kamal Paneru

a must read this unforgettable love story. if you dare to love someone, then are you ready to go through the why of love???

In the race of final year in Engineering

In the whole life “they” dissuaded me to leave my friends. But as I started my final year, things changed like weather. My neighbor used to slap me with the same placement question in every morning. Then don’t know how and why I found myself caught in the darkness filled hands of purging lips. The lips which do not say anything but make me speechless. The hands which do not grab my throat but make me breathless. And the eyes which do not look at me but kill brutally. So to conquer this anxiety I learnt the second part of life, where I fought with “myself”. No nono… not with “myself”, I fought for “myself”.I started to avoid my claque to dissemble.Don’t know why I accepted the friendship of loneliness and those rubbish book which I always hated. I wanted to elude because I really couldn’t fathom what books were talking about.I pretended to feel awesome in that pestered at the all midnights locked inside my room A-115 of 120 hostel. Though I was not happy but I had to lose to gain something. That something was only in my mind, never set on my words. I didn’t know the gain but I lost in a hope that someday something special would be mine. Only mine. My journey of achieving unforeseen had been started. I learnt to crush the dreams of others to make mine true. Though I was going through plights but learnt to lie my parents “yes I am happy”. I learnt to give up pageants. I learnt to say my words to my consort loneliness and those abhorrent books. I wanted to abscond but didn’t know, from where to where. Thousands of times I cried to myself behind the door of room A-115. And hundreds of times I pacified myself by saying it is last. My soggy cheeks and xeric tears were not in the mood of cheerio. I still remember my 3^rd year’s days when I used to see the journey of the moon at night. It would start from the right above my hostel and just before the dawn it ended in the boulevard of Devprayag hills. But in the final year up to the four months I didn’t see the night and sprinkling moon light. My love left me, my few closest friends left me my happiness left me then one day my phone rang with an unknown no.

“Hello”. I said.

“Are you Kamal Paneru?” voice came from other end. Then we talked for 9 minutes 56 seconds. I still remember his last line.

“Okay Mr. Kamal, you are placed now. You can join us just after your graduation.” His last word caressed me.

Then I came to know that was the moment I was waiting for. And I enjoyed hosanna. Really it was mine. Only mine. My race had been finished. I won it. I won myself. But I lost more than that. I lost my love, my friends, my trusts, my originality, my moon, my nights and most especial thing the life of those four months of final year. I had no one to share the feelings of that moment. I regretted a lot and after that day I cry night after night after night. I do fight with my loneliness to leave me but it asks myself “to whom I should leave you, once you left them now they left you. Tit for tat”. I can’t bring those days back, but I am still carrying a hope that one day I would see the cessation and they will come back. Now my neighbors have folded their lips. And I want to be out from those horror nights but every time I feel abdicated.

“main jeet ke bhi haar gya. Jeeta kisse main ye bhi nahi janta, hara kisse ye bhi nahi”

Na pucho mera haal ki main tanha kitna hu

Samet to gaagar, baha do to saagar jitna hu.

-          © Kamal Paneru

an unspoken love

Andrew and Ganga (an unspoken love)

Sometimes love comes between two person with very first glance. In that evening, clouds and insane wind were making a threatening environment but blemishing the beauty of the empyrean. There in a big grassy ground, Ganga was waiting for Andrew. Andrew was her lover who she met only three days ago. She fell in love at very first sight. Andrew was an Adonis. She proposed him and he accepted it because Ganga was the beauty girl and more adorable. She was the one whose look could compel anyone to stare for eon. After a long wait of two hours Andrew came and stopped at few distance from her. He shied and then smiled. As he saw in her eyes, Ganga suddenly became restless. Her heart started to beat so fast. She could feel and hear her breathe too in that heavy rainy noise. Her eyes shed a drop of tear which raindrops washed out. Her impatience was increasing and Andrew was afflicting her from that distance. On seeing her restlessness Andrew smiled and forwarded his hand to ask her to be closed. He showed her lingering love by putting a love filled palm on her face. Ganga felt so happy, and then he gradually unlocked her lovely hairs which were falling on her face. Andrew kissed her lips deeply for first time and Ganga couldn’t resist. They enjoyed their first love kiss which was awesome. Andrew held her hand and spoke a smallest poetry on her beauty. It made her Ganga to fly in the endless sky. Her heart melted down with those lines of poem. He could feel her running heart beat so took her in the arms tightly. It enraptured her. She closed her eyes and found herself most lucky woman of the whole universe.  That was the moment; Ganga had waited for whole life. Time had been stopped and the only thing which running was, their deep breathes. Andrew and Ganga were made for each other.

“I have to go”. Andrew said.

“Why? You just came few seconds ago”. Ganga asked. Andrew didn’t reply and remained silent. His silence was the catastrophe to Ganga. His words and silence both scratched her heart. Andrew left her hand and turned. He wanted to say the truth but her tears made him weak.

“Ganga I Love you”. Andrew said but her lips were trembling. Ganga wanted to stop him to leave but her throat had been filled with endless emotions. Andrew wanted to tell him about the nearest end of his life. He was suffering from a disease which had overwhelmed her life. Now he was approaching to death with time. He left her there and went. Rain on the ground had been stopped but Ganga’s face was wet with the tears yet. She kept watching till he disappeared. Night had introduced itself but that darkness was nothing in front of the darkness of her life. Andrew had enlightened her life and her dreams too. Now she was going through the unbearable pain and waiting in vain. Andrew died just after the few days of that meet. Ganga is still unknown to this truth. Now it has been two years but she waits for him because according to Ganga, he is not returned yet so he will come. She never tried to know why he left and why doesn’t he come back. She has a hope to make herself enliven in the pain. To be cherished and make her own heart fool, every morning she wakes up and keeps open the door to let her first love come in.

-         - copy right @ Kamal Paneru

i like the moon's journey when it starts from just above my home and ends in the boulevard of silent hills. and i like it the most when its turns to yellowish orange just before the dawn. i see it travels through clouds with passing a smile to the surrounding stars.