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Thursday, July 31, 2014

dear friend

Dear bachche,
Happy birthday. howz u? hope u r fine. U know aaj aapse bat krne ka mann h. but darta hu main ab. Time b sala bda ajib hai na… pta hi nhi laga k kb ye ladki mere liye “tu” se “tum” fir “tum” se “aap” aur fir aap se “ma’am” ho gyi. I do miss to say you “tu”. Maine tujhe bahut sataya h na... but my intention was pure like deshi ghee. J mujhe abhi b yad h hmari pehli mulaqat, jb tum manisha k sath ayi thi campus shop pe. It was 15th September’2011 9:23am. Yaar ye jaruri nhi hota h ldka ldki se related dates sirf isliye yad rkhta h k wo use pyar krta h. I never loved u and u also did the same. But ek bonding thi hmari yar. Understanding thi. Acha lgti thi apni dosti. I know main kafi rough bolta hu. But mujhe yad h kbhi kbhi ka apna tere liye jhuk jana. u know college me bht kam log aise the, jinki smile achi thi, heart touching type. Sach bolu? Teri nhi thi waisi smile. That’s why I never said k megha teri smile achi h. main ye keh deta tha k tu achi h. I liked (sorry to say this word) you, but love aur like me to difference hota h na. ye to tujhe b pta h. ek bat kahu, mujhe bura us din nhi lga tha jis din tune kaha tha k kal se bat nhi karungi. Mujhe bura us din lga tha jb holi k din hm tere ghar k aage se nikle aur tune nazrein chura li thi mukesh aur mujhe dekh kr. Are hm andar thodi na aate gate k aur na hi hm logo ne drink ki hui thi, atleast known ya senior samajh k hi smile pas kr deti itna hi kafi tha. Mujhe bura tb nhi lga tha jb suna k tu committed ho gyi. Mujhe bura tb lga tha jb ye bat maine kisi aur se suni. Tu meri itni achi dost rhi, tune btana chahiye tha mujhe. (Even hmara to pre-decided tha k tere commitment pe party krenge). Megha mujhe bura tb nhi lga tha jb tune bola k “aapki wjh se hmare relation me problem h”. mujhe bura tb lga tha jb tu apne arpit ko hmari silent friendship prove nhi kr payi. Silent isliye k hmari last time phone pe bat march me hui thi. Aur uske bad kuch 10-15 msg 16 june k around, tb Jab main assam me tha aur tu Delhi NCR me sayd kisi shadi me aayi hui thi. Jis din college aye tum, bday gift dia tmhe. Us din b muskil se 2 second ruka sayd main trishul hostel k upar. Main pta nhi kyu likh rha hu ye sb. Mujhe tera apni bat pe loyal hona bda acha lgta h. k ek bar jo keh diya so keh diya. Kitni poems aur shayri likhi thi yar maine tujhpe. Impress krne k liye nhi likhta tha. U know mere pas wo 1 b poem aur shayri nhi hain. Sb tujhe us din copy me de di thi. Aur obvious si bat hai, mera haq hi kya h wo poems rkhne ka. Likhi tujhe pet hi to hui b to teri hi. meri to bus thodi si ink gyi usme.(magar bahut sari feelings b thi usme L ). 20th march k bad main 21 September ko mila tujhe. Ek hi college me hone k bad b pure 6 month bad. Us din ek meri wajah se problem ka sach chhipane k liye tera dusra jhut bolna k bhookh lgi h(sach hi hoga, jhut kyu bolegi). Mujhe chubh gya tha. Megha maine tere chehre pe padh liya to wo. Tbhi maine poem likhi thi k
muddat ke baad dekha use badli hui thi wo
na jane kya hadsa hua sehmi hui thi wo
mujhe dekh kar usne chehra to dikha diia
mgr aankhein bta rhi thi k royi hui thi wo
uski aankhon me dekh kar mehsoos hua mujhe
meri tarah kisi soch mein doobi hui thi wo
uski sone jaisi rangat zard parr gayi thi
jaise kisi ke pyaar mein jali hui thi wo
qurbaan jaon uss shakhs pe main “khamosh”
yaad me jiski khoyi hui thi wo

u knw tera “meri life se chle jao” kehne ka andaz bahut meetha tha Bahut meetha. Ek wo bat ki “tumhe malum h na mujhe aadat h tumhari, kam se kam meri aadat badalne tak to mere sath ruk jao” aur ek wo bat k “usne apne ghar ka rasta b dikha diya aur ye b kaha k intezar mt krna. Usne ye b kaha k main kbhi nhi milungi tumhe, magar tb b kisi se pyar mt krna” tmhe bahut acha aata tha. Mujhe ye dono bat bahut achi lgi thi teri. Aur main aaj b teri utni hi respect krta hu jitni pehle... tujhse sikhayat nhi h mujhe koi. Magar tb teri absence bht jyada feel hoti h, jab barish hoti hai aur jab aasman me chaand bahut pyara dikhta h. ab koi hota hi ni msg krne k liye k “ bahar aa k dekh chaand kitna pyara lag rha h”. kyu kia main kisi aur ko bolunga to log pagal bolne lgenge mujhe. hehe Maine tujhse kbhi koi gift hi nhi liya na… mujhe acha nhi lgta tha yar. Sach me. Juhi ki kasam. Maine kbhi realize hi nhi kiya kbi k kaisa lgta h jb koi kisi ko gift lauta de. College k last din is 26th June ko main H.O.D. k pas ek tohfa le k gya tha. Ki ek de deta hu jate jate. Usse pehle maine 2 bar dprtmnt me mithai khilayi h. dono bar usne khayi. But us din usne tohfa b nhi liya aur mithai b nhi khayi. U knw bht bht bht bura lga tha, k usne gift lauta diya. Tb mujhe tujhe gift lauta dena yad aya. And I realized how much I hurt u on my very first bday treat with you (you presented a novel “father, please no”) and tera mujhe mukesh k hatho bhijwaya hua wo tohfa. Sorry megha. Teri wali novel maine kai bar dhundi market me. But mujhe nhi mili. But nhi mili mujhe. Maine pure b.tech me tujhe kbhi jhut nhi bola. But jate jate ek jhut bol gya. Jb tune bola k main aapki novel k paise bhijwa dungi. To maine keh diya k jiska naam acknowledgement me h usse maine paise nhi liye. But sach ye tha k main tujhse lena nhi chahta tha. Mainly teri wjh se hi to wo novel puri hui to tujhse kyu paise lene. Aur waise b tujhse kaha’n kbhi kuch liya h maine. Ha ek bar biochemistry ki book li thi mail pe. Aur b liya hoga sayd. But dhyan nhi ab. Fir u know near about 40 juniors ko apni book di, aur kisi se paise nhi liye. Kyu lene yar junior se paise. Jo junior se b paise lene lge to wo senior b kya. I know very well ki as a senior main kbi tere kaam nhi aya. Kbhi b nhi. Never. But mujhe hmesa acha lgta tha k teri mujhse hr sem me 5-10 % jyada aati rhi. Yad h? maine 3rd year me ek bar kaha tha k college k last din milna ek bat btaunga. Ho hi nhi paya fir milna. Tumhe apna gurur tha hme apna. U know jb tu first year me thi, goonj me maine hi bheja tha tujhe miss goonj k liye apne branch se. bahut behes hui thi hmari class ki girls se is bat pe. But tujhe pta hi h hmari class k boys. Hehe. Hm logo ki grls se bnti nhi so hm unki sunte b nhi. Pehle preeti aur shefali ko bhej rhe the. Fir mujhe tera dhyan aya. Fir preeti replace ho gyi. Preeti ko b maine hi select kiya tha wha k liye. But wo maan gyi k juniors ko chance dena chahiye.  Fir wo m.tech ki rupali mam se setting. K koi b ho megha jaegi hi jaegi aage. Jb hm 2nd year me the main bahut dur se pehchan leta tha tujhe. Aur ab ptani kya. Sayd interaction nhi h. tu paper se kuch roj pehle mere muskil se 4 feet dur se guzri, mujhe pta hi lga. Wo to tb pt alga jb aage ja k mere bgl se guzrne wali ldki kedar k aage ruki. Fir arpit milne aya. Tb pehchana maine tujhe. Aur yar believe me, fb pe us I.D. se message maine nhi liye the. Mujhe koi b bat krni hoti to main apni I.D. se hi kr deta kyuki tere sath achi understanding thi. Us chakkar se fir maine ID hi bnd kr di thi. But mujhe sach me nhi pta k wo photo kaha se aayi us bnde pe, jo usne aapko bheji thi msgs me. U know Juhi k bad tut hi jo meri life e itni important rhi. Tbhi to tujhe novel me itna character diya. Tujhe usme kafi error mili hongi. But jab koi book publish ho k market me aati h, tb grammatical error k liye editor responsible hote hain. Wo khud se type krte hain apne according to remove error. But editor ne error kr di sari. Khair 2nd edition me nhi hoga aisa. Tujhe main samajh me nhi aa rha k kaise contact karu. Samajh me nhi aa rha k bat kya krunga. Main to pehle b aisa hi tha, phone pe b khamos aur mil k b khamosh. But time badal gya h ab. Ab wo bonding ko replace kr diya h arguments, silence aur remembrance ne. yar bura mat maan, but thoda to sath rehti. Tu to aise gyi jaise light chli jane k bad ek bade se room me sannata fail jata h. ab main poetry nhi krta. 23rd December’12 ko tune kaha tha k mujh pe mt kiya kro poetry. I do remember ur words. Us din k bad se pta nhi kya hua. I didn’t left poetry but Poetry left me. Tune mujhe bahut bahut bahut kuch sikhaya h life me. Bahut kuch which brings maturity in a person. Mere bas me hota to main tujhe 10th November’12 ki beauty(tu usi din ghar gyi thi clg se aur rat ko shadi attend kr rhi thi) k liye miss beautiful ka award b de deta. Aur mujhe itna kuch sikhane k liye ek best teacher ka b. itna to teacher se seekha, jitna tujhse seekha life me.  Ab yar Tu b soch rhi hogi k kya faltu ki bate likh rkhi hain isne pure msg me. Bday k din b faltu batein kr rha h. chal poetry try krta hu aaj ek. I know bekar hi hogi.
Ek tuta hua chaand, ek thami hui barish
Ek chhoti si aas, ek dabi hui sajish
kuch gulaab khile hue aur do hoth sile hue
kuch andaj juda sa, aur do dil mile hue
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne
do aankhein hairan si, kuch khwahisein pareshan si
kuch silwatein juban si, kuch shaklein anjaan si
kuch sath chhoote se, kuch riste toote se
kuch parose hue khwab jhuthe se, kuch apne roothe se
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne
thoda masum si hasi, thoda sehmi hui baatein
thoda gir jane k chahat, thoda fislti hui raatein
kuch ehsaan dabe se, kuch armaan jage se
kuch tuti hui neendein, kuch shamshan lute se
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

12:19pm pe baitha ye pura likhne. Ab 2:46 ho rha h. itna hi likh paya bus.

Again happy birthday. Life me kbhi jarurat ho jarur yad krna. I know tu loyal h. nhi btaegi mujhe. tc
- copy right @ Kamal Paneru